The first minute decides the next hour.
Something was said. A face changed. Now you are standing in the kitchen and you are not sure what to do with the next sixty seconds. Most arguments are shaped in that first minute, and it is small enough to practise.
Find the moment that sounds like yours, such as “You never listen to me”, a sarcastic comment in front of friends, or money worries at 2 a.m. Each one gives you what it might mean, one thing to say or do right away, and the reflex that usually makes it worse. There are 100 moments: 80 between partners and 20 for when you are alone with it.
Free. No email, no sign-up. Type a word or a phrase you heard and jump straight to it.
A note before you use it
These are general ideas for ordinary conflict between people who feel safe with each other. They are guidelines, not scripts, and they work in any conflict with anyone once you adapt them to the situation. This is not therapy or a diagnosis. If you feel afraid, controlled or unsafe, please speak with a professional or a trusted person.
Where this comes from
I am Chris Ellison (BSW, MSW, MBA). In nearly thirty years as a therapist I have watched how much of the damage in an argument is done in the first minute, and how much a small change there can help. The moments grow out of A Life Well-Lived and A Love Well-Lived. A full printed workbook is on the way.
These ideas come from my practice and other clinicians’ work. They are for everyday misunderstandings, not for emotional, physical or psychological abuse, and they are not a diagnosis. If you feel afraid, controlled or unsafe, please speak with a professional or someone you trust. If anyone is in danger, call 9-1-1. In Canada you can also call or text 9-8-8 any time.
